My First Hobotastic Contest!

You like free shit?!  Of course you f’n do!  Well, unless you’re some kinda sucker!  In honor of…well…myself, I’ve decided to give away some (mostly) cool prizes to one lucky talented bastard reader.

Click “more” for the low-down on getting some free swag.

The gist of it:

I know how hard it is to collect toys. Trust me, between running cockfights and selling powdered glass to unsuspecting yuppies, I have a hard time finding figures too.  However, sometimes you find yourself bowed in shame by the acts you will attempt in order to collect that sweet plastic crack.  That’s where this contest comes in…

What you gotta do for me:

Below, click on the tiny-ass comment tab/word/thing and tell me the most depraved thing you’ve done in order to score an action figure.  Anything from smuggling Batman down your pants, to getting in a fight during those all important midnight releases will work.  Give up the goods, tell us your shame…and then I’ll give YOU the goods.  The most creative (although true is preferred, you buncha liars!) will win.  They’ll be judged by my own private army of no-goodniks, so it’s purely personal. I’ll even go in and give explanations and kudos in the comment section after the contest runs it’s course.

The goods:

29 various action figures – Why 29? Well, that’s how long I’ve been soiling the air of this god-forsaken mudball, so that’s how many toys I’m givin’ away! It’s my contest and I’ll do what I want!  They’re all top quality (loose) action figures and I’ll ship em free of charge to whoever wins this thing. It includes figures from different lines and manufacturers (Mattel, Hasbro, Toy Biz, Neca, etc.)

“Hobo-Toys” Trapjaw figure – That’s right! The sad sack of crap you see at the top of this page (and subject of one of my most popular posts) will be yours to abuse all on your own.  Join the crowd and whip this toy’s ass…the rest of society already has.

Original art – You will receive a framed 11×17″ comic pin-up featuring the comic book character, cartoon character, fictional hero, porn star of your choosing.  This comes courtesy of my alter ego, Jason Stephens (click the name for a link to his piddly little art blog) and may add a little time to getting your prize based off of just what you want drawn…he doesn’t half-ass it!

So there you have it.  Just pony up an amusing story and I’ll dish out some sweet goods.  Oh, and international readers are more than welcome to enter.  Hell, in your countries you probably murder kittens for toys.  Have fun with it guys.  I’ll post the cut-off date soon, so you might not wanna wait around.

We’ll let this depravity run on until midnight on July 4th two-thousand ought ten…eastern time, natch.  I’ll then judge, berate, and award a winner…a winner amongst all the toy-collectors destined for Hell!


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51 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Pretended it was my sons birthday to get some 30 year old guy to give up the last transfomer toy and i went home and put it on my shelf for me cause IT WAS NOT anyone’s birthday

    • Very crude and simple. I like it.

  2. This story is true and not bullshit i swear I’m 27 from Brooklyn new york. Ok so here is my story how i stole the 12 inch Gi Joe talking duke hall of fame this was like almost 15 years ago. My mother dropped me and my friend off to toys r us while she did her shopping the store next to toys r us. Me and my friend go in to toys r us to look for the Gi Joe duke I grab the the duke we go in to the bathroom with it and opened it up and trying to hide it so my friend but it inside is coat that was ripped and it fell alway to the back of the coat not being able to reach it we leave the store to go back into my mothers car he got in the back i sat in the front it started talking because it was up against the seat so he started to talk over it and i started to talk to my mom when we got out of the car it kept going off my mother asked where is that sound coming from my friend was telling her it was his walkman we got upstairs to my house and it took us a while to get the gi joe out of is coat i put it under my pillow and we went out my mother found it and asked where did you get this i said daddy bought it for me and she asked my father and he told her i didnt buy anything for Damian so i ended up telling the truth but that shit was funny you had to be there to see

    • I remember that Duke. He was wearing desert camo. Nice.

  3. Woot! Artwork from Jason Stephens! I want!!! Darn it, now I have to think up about a sweet lie… ahem story to win the prize. Good luck everyone!

  4. I’m sure there’s something worse I did that I’ve blocked from my memory to spare myself the thought of having to live with my horrible self, but one messed-up thing I remember doing was-

    When I was working at a ROSS store, I told some kid (off-camera) he could have a DCSH Doomsday for free. He was like yaaaay! And went off with his mom and tore the package-up to get at the toy. Of course, a security-guard saw that (and HEARD it because of how loud the packaging is) and told the lady she had to pay for it, but she didn’t want to, so she and the kid were kicked-out of the store (well, they were just refused service so they had to leave, haha).

    So, because the toy’s package was destroyed beyond re-usability, it couldn’t be sold, so I, being oh-so-conveniently nearby, offered to take it downstairs to toss in the box with all the other stuff we can’t sell (and would just throw away at the end of the day anyway). That Doomsday never made it to The Graveyard and ended up in my jacket-pocket as I got off my shift. 😀

    • This was a great story. Funny yet full of evil. You almost won it with this one. ALMOST. Don’t worry, you’re definitely going to hell for it.

      • and by ALMOST, I mean you’re in the running. You almost just made it a one-man show though…

  5. When I was a kid (probably too old for toys but still enjoying them), my mother was friends with a woman who lived down the road a ways. This woman had two sons that I absolutely hated and were a couple years younger than myself. The family had money, but the damn kids were so dirty and rocked mullets like you wouldn’t believe, so I hated being stuck with them for a few hours while our moms would chat.

    Anyway, they had two of the original Megazords, and I’d never gotten one (much to my chagrin), so I did what any self-respecting mullet-hating 10 year old would do, I managed to steal one of their Megazords one piece at a time. One week I’d take a leg, stuff it into my backpack, pants, or pockets, whatever was most convenient at the time. They’d never notice a single piece missing from a dismantled Megazord. Then the next week I’d take an arm, despite their increasing suspicion and confusion.

    Before you knew it, I was kicking Optimus Prime’s ass with my very own, stolen, Megazord.

    It’s amazing what a little hatred, ingenuity, and a pair of mullets can get you in this world.

    • Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t be dissin’ the mullets, TAO! *evil eyes you*

      • Wow! Mullets, Power Rangers, and a very premeditated plan to get a toy. The fact that it took lots of time to assemble, and you JUST KEPT STEALING makes you a forerunner to win free shit.

  6. I would love to enter this contest, but have never done anything depraved to get a toy. Other than knowingly going over my debit card limit and thus incurring a large fee. Oh and there was that 8 year old boy that I shanked in the face for his Cyclotron, but that doesn’t seem like so much of a much.

    • I don’t know, for some reason I think having a premeditated plan for screwing someone out of a toy is worse than shanking a kid on impulse. xD

      • Indeed. A crime of passion is never quite as hateful as a hatched scheme…

  7. Hmm, I guess the most depraved thing I’ve done for a toy was to pick one up off the ground.

    The movie Happy Feet just came out a few weeks before this happened. I just pulled into my parking space at home and was getting out when I spied something on the ground. Seems someone dropped a penguin. So I picked it up, cleaned it up and wham, I have a penguin (that I have since misplaced).

    Second worst thing I’ve done was buy from hobby shops who seem to have received stocks waaaaay earlier than the street date. Loose toys of the probably “stolen chinese toys” variety.

    Third worst is participating in online contests for the chance of free toys. This is probably the one that makes me feel most dirty.

    • Where would we find these awesome hobby-shops… so we can… report them… maybe. 😀

      • In most major shopping malls, oddly enough.

        In any case, yeah, yours seems the most depraved to me, hehehe.

      • You sir, are a saint among thieves. Go out and punch an old lady or somethin’!

  8. Nope, I got nothing. We were pretty poor when I was a kid so I never got much in terms of toys – I do remember picking stuff out of those huge trash bins and sometimes I would get lucky.

    Flash forward to 20 years later and I was walking through this car boot sale thing, and everyone had their usual stuff out. It was cool – Lego by the pound, huge dollhouses for cheap, and stuff I have never seen for years being on sale. Then there were these 2 Korean kids selling, get this, McDonald Happy Meal toys for a dime each. It cost them $30 to even participate in the sale and all they were selling was stuff that nobody wanted for a dime. And they had maybe a score of those toys for sale. Pretty sad. Well, I got one of those toys. I’ll leave it up to your imagination how I got them.

    • You paid for them. In fact, you felt sorry for the guys and gave them a little extra (money or handjob, I’ll leave it to your own imaginations)so don’t try and kid me Novelty! You’re too damn nice.

  9. Well about a few months ago I was collecting Power Rangers toys and I need a Silver Ranger. I finally found one after months of looking in the cart of a little boy. I told the mother that my dying kid brother had really wanted it to finish the team and offered to buy the kid another toy. She gave me the Silver Ranger and told me I didn’t have to buy him anything.

    I don’t have a kid brother, let alone a dying one, I just really wanted to get the last toy in the set… I wish I could say I made that up I really do.

    There was another time a small kid found a twenty in front of me and I claimed I had dropped it. I then bought my Optimus Prime with it. I was younger than though so I guess it’s not really as bad as the other one.

    • Smooth on both occasions. You’re like a daring pickpocket fro Oliver Twist…

      • I should probably have added that I only had ten dollars at the time and if the mother had taken my offer, I would have said I was unable to pay.

  10. Hehe, great concept, LJ. I guess the worst for me was when I was living in Pennsylvania. I desperately wanted a Teddy Ruxpin (which is definitely dating myself) but they were selling like hot cakes on a winter day and were almost impossible to find. My mother and I spent an entire day going from store to store looking for one, and finally we ended up at some kind of store which I can’t for the life of me remember the name of that was putting their stock up late. And, of course, there was a line of people picking up their bear-shaped tape players.

    When we finally made it through the line, there was one left and the woman ahead of us grabbed it, leaving us with nothing after an entire day of nothing. It was going to be considered gone, until the lady said to someone next to her, “I don’t know what this thing is, but it looks popular so I figured I’d get one. Maybe I can resell it or something. You ask me, it wasn’t too hard to find.”

    At that point, Mom asked if she could just take the bear for me since I was so desperate to have one, and the lady said, “No, I want to buy it for myself.” Mom tried a couple of more times and the lady finally ended up saying something about Mom needing to take her brat home.

    I never take well to being called a brat, so I kicked the lady in her shin as hard as my eight year old leg could swing, which was enough to get her hopping and holding her leg, which made her drop the bear. Mom then snagged it, grabbed my arm, and hauled me off to the cash register before I could really even blink.

    And that was how I got my Teddy Ruxpin. It would later be broken after my uncle tried playing AC/DC in it, but what can you do, right?

    • OMG WesGR you crack me up, dude. LOL! Teddy frickin’ Ruxpin! How are we all gonna beat that? I need to think up a really good l…er story…A real one, of course…

      • I was gonna make the kid in my story a cute innocent little girl and the mom a nun, but…well, I think that’s even less believable xD (why is “lie” in the word “belive”? haha)

    • If kicking people in the shins is all it takes to get a toy I want, then we’re gonna do that all day long at SDCC!

      (and I totally misspelled “believe” down there xP)

      • I look forward to the reports of serial shin kicking!

    • Violence Wes? You’re just a low-level thug! I would have thought you to be a tad more subtle. Ah, yet I remember Teddy Ruxpin and can totally understand you’re bloodlust. the fact that you’re Mom joined in on the mugging makes the story far more interesting…

  11. Well, these stories have been great so far. Its gonna be hard to compete with them. Mom would have told Dad on us and beat our asses for half of the things these people have done.

    I could talk about the times I participated in toys for tots, and how I pocketed the cool shit. Or how I would just go to the back yard and pick up the battle damaged G.I. Joes that somebody… not gonna mention any names….but it starts with a L and ends with EMONJUICE decided to “play” with.

    Instead I will talk about the time that I went to Iraq, terrorized the local people, and watched people die. All in my long term plan to score toys and personal artwork.

    Actually, I just want to wish everybody luck. This was a well thought through contest. I dont know how you can think of things with that much liquor in your system. HAHA. And for future reference, we were trained to no that when somebody starts out with “this is a true story, no bullshit, i swear”, it looks a little shady. Im only kidding. But seriously.

    Oh yeah, I want my money back for that powdered glass.

  12. Great, Great stuff so far guys! You can all consider yourselves to be truly sick toy-lovin’ degenerates! I’m DYING to comment on some of these, but I’ll wait it out. 🙂

  13. Signing up on websites of all varieties to collect free schwag. Does that count? I cannot recall ever being bad about collecting my stuff.

    My wife really wishes I did not collect stuff, but I still continue.

    • Going against the wishes of the woman that has agreed to sleep with you for life, is kinda bad. However, not bad enough!

  14. When I was in 1st grade, those mini-Transformers were really popular. There was a kid in my class that had one and the teacher took it away because he was playing with it in class. Well, I waited for my group presentation with the teacher that day and after everyone cleared out, I swiped the little purple coupe off the teacher’s desk. Had that one for several years after.

    Another time, I was a few years older, I think it was 1995, the Superman: Man of Steel line was out and I loved it. I really wanted the exclusive Clark Kent figure that was packaged with the conversion coupe, but I didn’t have any cash and my parents wouldn’t buy me toys at that age. I had to save cash to buy them. So anyway, I was at TRU with my bro, who’s only a year younger than I, and I was telling him about it being an exclusive w/the car and me not being able to buy it. So, he picked up the box and ripped CK out of it in one smooth move, then handed it to me. We walked out the store and I had a disguise for my Power Flight Superman.

    BTW, I bought one on eBay (with the car) a couple of years ago. In a way to make up for stealing it.

    • OHHHH, you had me up until the whole “buying another toy in redemption angle”. You have redeemed yourself, and therefore really have no more guilt. Go feed some orphans Mother Theresa! 😉

  15. The post has been updated with the cut-off date for the contest: July 4th 2010 at midnight…eastern time. That gives approximately one week to get your entries in. As you can see, there’s already some pretty stiff competition. 🙂

    • Hee hee, stiff…

      • I knew somebody was gonna run with that!lol

  16. It’s not my fault I’m like this!

    …right? xD

    • No, it’s society’s fault.

      Maybe… 8)

      • I blame the children. Blaming the parents is so cliche these days.

      • I blame demons! They’re in the heads of all the children! We gotta bore ’em out with ice picks!

      • Is it considered art if we set the ice-picks on fire before we do the stabbing- uh, I mean, before we do the CLEANSING?

      • I think you just get style-points…not sure, I’ll have to consult the manual…

      • It’s a ten point bonus on style point, but -5 on gore, as you’re cauterizing the wound and lessening the blood flow that way. So it’s worth it, but just barely.

  17. Wait, I have to look up the statue of limitations before I say anything…

    Actually, I’m afraid I went the other way: I started buying more toys, to try and cut back on the amount of drunken insanity I had in my life. I was partying a lot and enjoying it less, and I started thinking, “Hey, maybe I could have one less pitcher, and buy a toy, that I’ll still have later and won’t make me hungover as hell.” And I slowly started drinking less and less and buying more and more toys.

    Apparently, based on the amount of figures I have now? I drank a lot.

    • Duh. Statute of limitations. Me words good use.

      • Indeed the Statue of Limitations is down by the town square. Its just a midget with a dream… 🙂

  18. Well this is something I haven`t even thought about in years, but when I was a kid we had a Toy City store right down the street from us(gotta make sure my kids aren`t reading over my shoulder)I went there one day in 1986 and seen Optimus prime. I just had to have him and tried to devise a way to steal it. After going through a few plans that didn`t seem plausable I came up with the idea of sticking it in between the entrance doors. I waitied till someone came in and activated the electronic door and stuck him in between the 2 doors in the entrance, then exited the store walked around to the entrance opened the door and Optimus was mine!! I did this with a few other huge items as well such as the Giant Voltron, the WWF wrestling ring for the big rubber wrestlers, a 14 inch Hulk Hogan with removable shirt and belt, the Super Powers collection Hall of Justice and other smaller items like MOTU and Super powers action figures. Toy city was like MY store if I wanted anything I just went and took it. I haven`t stolen in years and now my most desparate moves are ordering from to avoid the WSOD or trading figs for ones I need 😉

    • I swear, no one suspects little kids of anything, they’re like ninja-butterflies, cute, cunning, silent, and sometimes deadly, yes, also like farts.

      A little kid walks out of a store with a toy and no one questions it, he must have parents who bought it for him, right? Suckers!

    • Wow…that is a very intricate plan for a child, AND you pulled it off on multiple occasions AND scored a Hall of Justice. I must take this into consideration…

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