DCIH: Disappointment, Thy Name is Hal…

Christ on a cracker!  Here I go and get arrested for public nudity take a small leave of absence, only to start my first return review and find out that not only does the figure I’m reviewing suck, but it somehow also manages to blow at the same time!  Well, what kind of action figure can manage to tear apart all reality with it’s shitastic-shittiness?  Why, it’s none other than Green Lantern from Mattel‘s DC Universe Infinite Heroes series of figures plastic trash.

Oh, you thought I LIKED this thing?…click “more” to read the rant.

Let’s be honest, shall we?  I knew what I was getting into, but just like hopping in the backseat with Salad Dressin’ Sally, you hope that this time’ll be different.  However, in both cases it leaves you broke…and with a strange rash.  Eight pick-pocketed hard-earned dollars were spent purchasing this mockery of one of my all time favorite superheroes.  Mattel owes me a handjob.

They knew I was gonna be disappointed.  How else can you explain the use of impossibly glossy plastic for Hal’s face?!  It’s so he can’t be photographed well and you drunk layabouts faithful readers will think that my blurred vision has marred my review.  Luckily, we all know that you’re more jaded than that.

Green Lantern sports zero useful accessories.  None.  Nada.  Zilch. Oh, except for this motherfucking button!  Great, cause that’s EXACTLY the type of thing I want being packaged with an action figure! God forbid you give me a friggin’ ring construct!  Geez, it’s as if I’ve just been punched right in the ol’ sack.  At least the button (that even I’M neither drunk nor nerdy enough to wear) depicts Hal Jordan.  In fact, it also shows the Alan Scott version from the JSA.

Oh wait, my mistake. He does have one more little bonus…the extra piece of mold excess that juts outta his damn forearm!  AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I think I’m havin’ a stroke!  Okay, enough of this. I’m just gonna list some more random gripes I’ve got with this guy (and probably all of the DC Infinite Heroes in general):

-The paint is adequate at best.  His costume lines aren’t blurred…but they’re not straight either.

-It appears that a two-fingered carnival showman suffering from detox has painted Hal’s eyes.

-That huge ass piece of excess plastic on his spindly little arm. Sorry, I had to mention it again…I just f’n had to!

-His ring is just a green circle…Let me repeat that.  HIS RING IS JUST A GREEN CIRCLE!  Shit, it’s like his whole “thing” y’know?

-He’s manufactured from recycled condoms.  How do I know? Cause he’s rubbery as all get out…and he has trace amounts of dried sperm in his joints.  Okay, that last parts not true, but it might as well be.

-His ring hand is open in some kind of strange erotic/effeminate/”kiss the hand” sculpt.

-He has ball-joint knees, but no ball-joint hips. What’s the point?  All that accomplishes is being able to put him in zombie-walk poses.

See?! He’s lookin’ fer brains while keeping his wrist as limp as possible.

This isn’t one of my normal reviews.  Surely I usually at least go through the razza-ma-tazz of listing articulation and whatnot.  Not this time ladies.  Green Lantern here has done went and pissed me off.  He shall get no olive branch from me.  You suck DCIH Green Lantern, and now a couple of people the whole world knows your shame.  Green Lantern deserves way more than what Mattel brought to the table here.


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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m sure you enjoyed your time in the big house. The inmates were probably sad to see you leave 😉 And I have no idea why you even bothered with DCIH! It’s a pile of steaming manure.

  2. This is one of my most favorite reviews yet. Im sorry I stole your clothes while you were behind the dumpster with that hobo hooker. I didnt know you were gonna get arrested….

  3. You know, you’re right. I know how much they suck but each time I pass them by in the store I’m ever so tempted to “try” on out, maybe a 3-pack or sth. But you’re review jolted my senses once again, dude. So thanks for the rude awakening. It was a very much needed one. Lol.

    DCIH = Really fail.

    • My loss is your gain. 🙂

    • Well, I’ll never again fall into their trap…their steaming pile of trap.

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