POGS: The Most Dangerous Game

[ Nope, this isn’t a review. It IS however, a pretty hilarious piece about the uprising (and quick downfall) of POGS, by Articulated Discussion‘s own Dr. Nightmare.  Read it and laugh, and laugh, and vomit a little, and then laugh some more. – Lemonjuice McGee]

You know what the problem with kids is nowadays? Aside from their parents not being allowed to beat them anymore? They, and most of urban America (you pansies), have lost their competitive nature (unless they have a psycho football coach for a dad that secretly beats them at home with a broken bottle of hooch when they don’t win a game, of course). It leads to more fat kids, more sloths on the playground in the halls for us non-fat people to avoid while running around the track or to our next class because we’re NOT fucking lazy.

For a brief moment in the ’90s, pogs changed all that ass-laggery.

It’s a little known fact that pogs helped improve childrens’ health across the world by improving cardiovascular fitness, it’s a mystery why the phenomenon faded. While in 5th grade, a day never passed when I didn’t see mobs of kids chasing each other with sharp sticks and baseball bats. Kids were fucking each other’s shit up, all because of pogs, and it was awesome!

Why so much commotion over little cardboard discs? You see, back around the ’20s, when all kids had to play with were bugs and wooden horses, some dude in Hawaii said, “These bugs are fucking lame, they keep bursting into flames as soon as I pass my magnifying glass over them. The horse too, piece of crap, and it gives me splinters too! FUCK YOU HORSE!” He wanted something new, exciting, refreshing, and what’s more refreshing than milkcaps? (except possibly the fresh milk itself). See, back then you couldn’t always just go to the market and buy a gallon of milk, and if you could, you had to wait in a long-ass line to pay because the stores could only afford to have one cash register. More conveniently, you could pay a Milkman, like a Mailman, to deposit jugs of milk at your door (and hope he didn’t deposit some of his own special “milk” into your wife, chicks were a lot more horny back then, what with their husbands being at war overseas).

The game was pretty cool at the time, but then all the soldiers came home and saw their kids playing with crappy paper disks and said, “What kind of shit is this? Come on, boy, we’re going out to do some drinking and eat some steak!” The pogs were thrown away and forgotten, like the cleverly-disguised-as-a-game garbage they are.

Some people like to credit the ancient Japanese with being the first to invent a game similar to pogs, those people are assholes. You jerks give the orient credit for everything, with your “ancient Chinese wisdom” shit, why can’t you let Hawaii have this one? Dicks.

Anyway, by the time the ’90s rolled around, everyone in the world was super-depressed because the 1970s, the greatest decade EVER, had passed and would never come back. People needed a little pick-me-up, so a Hawaiian elementary-school teacher brought back the beast that was POGS! All those depressed mother-fuckers were all too ready to stop wasting their money on ‘ludes and lose themselves in this new, and inexpensive, craze. Seriously, you could walk into any store, ANY STORE AT ALL, EVEN PORN SHOPS, and buy a shitload of pogs for like 2 bucks (but I think the ones in the porn shops had other uses, ouch!), and that included the cool long plastic tubes to store them in (again, possibly with alternate uses in those shops). No kidding, the things were EVERYWHERE. You’d buy a comic and you got a free pog, buy some cereal and get free pogs, buy gas, free pogs, pass Algebra, free pogs, buy a Happy Meal, free pogs, get a tooth pulled, free pogs, scratch your nuts, free pogs! No wonder the fucking things died-out!

The large amount you got was important because in the game of pogs, YOU KEEP THE POGS YOU WIN! The game consists of you and your opponent hitting a stack of face-down pogs with a bigger heavier pog (usually made of plastic or metal) to make them flip over onto their faces (the part with the graphics on it). No one gave a crap about the generic images that were printed on bulk pog-packs, so those were gambled without thought, but sometimes you’d get some truly magnificent piece, that if you ever lost in a game would make you beat the living shit out of your opponent. I remember the original Power Rangers series, Ninja Turtles, and the Wolrd Cup (soccer) pogs having that blood-lusting effect on kids, hence the constant brawls at school and pogs’ subsequent banning at most schools. I remember staying up late at night to watch 40-year old men break into the newspaper-dispenser across the street, just to get the free Wold Cup pogs included with every issue. I also remember laughing my ass off as they stomped-off cursing because I had already stolen the pogs earlier that day on my way to school.

I fell in love with Pokemon pogs (called “Tazos” outside of the U.S.) because they had a wide variety of designs and could even be played with differently (similar to rock-paper-scissors). Special editions, different disk-shapes, moving-picture holograms, I wanted them all, but there was a major problem with even just trying to buy them; they weren’t available anywhere near where I lived, I don’t think they were even available in all of the the United States! What kind of bullshit is that?! Anyway, I ended-up getting shitload from my cousin in Mexico because they were available free in certain packages of potato-chips or with certain junk-food purchases, and those dudes ate a TON of that kind of shit. Bless you, my unhealthy kin. Then I lost most of them after moving a few times (and during apocalyptic bloodbaths at school while warring over them, of course), but found a nice stack of them recently, prompting me to write this stupid-ass article!

The pog-designs I loved most at the time were the ones based on TV shows and comics, but there was all sorts of depraved crazy-ass shit printed on pogs, they were addictively-collectible. Everything from Jesus surfing in the Lake of Fire giving you a thumbs-up to naked mutants eating some dude’s eyeballs, shop-keepers didn’t care who or how old you were, they’d sell you pogs with pictures of the Milkman sodomizing your dad, with a wink and a smile. Comic-shop dudes would sell you the REALLY dirty pogs at a premium, and away from the windows and prying eyes of the law, because those fat bastards are wily sods.

I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane, I sure didn’t. Now I remember that my old neighbor stole my Dark Heart action figure (from VR Troopers) after I broke one of his Biker Mice from Mars motorcycles and we went all brutaltastic on each other. Fuck that puto.




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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I just keep readin’ this.lol Great article man!

  2. Dude, those things keep poppin’ in my country every few months, usually as premiums packed inside Lays’ junk food… they range from Pokemon, to Mucha Lucha¡, to the latest edition featuring Ben 10…

    • Dude! Your country is awesome!

  3. I HATED pogs as a kid. They were one of the few things I didn’t collect. But I remember them being included with many action figures at the time, like Star Trek figures, which I loved.

    Thanks for rekindling my hatred, Nightmare.

  4. And appropriately, I just found a BUNCH of old pogs in a dresser drawer! It’s too bad kids are all into Yu-Gi-Oh these days — otherwise I’d take these pogs to the park and break out some ownage.

    Funnnnnnn read, Nightmare sir!


  6. Pogs!

  7. […] about pogs, well, Dr. Nightmare wrote about it a while back here, so I’ll just refer you to what he wrote.  Basically, this ‘freak pog shows Ben as he transforms to ‘freak and depending on the […]

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