Lemon J’s Customizing Tips: Human Torch

You wanna know a secret?  Do ya?!  Well, too bad cause I’m gonna tell you anyway.  I am a toy customizing expert!  I create possibly the most realistic and accurate customs your stupid eyes have ever friggin’ seen!  Today, you lucky bastards are gonna get a step-by-step guide from yours truly on making an epic masterpiece.  We’re makin’ the Human Torch (of Marvel Comics fame) so sit back and get to learnin’ cause class is in session!

Who’s that? My friends, THAT is our victim base body.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Carl.  He’s an overly-friendly truck driver that has a penchant for collecting hair in plastic baggies. Pubic hair.

Hey Carl, you wanna really get the chicks? Well, how would you like to be a superhero?! The law-dogs won’t even hassle you anymore!

Just look at that creepy enthusiasm!  This is gonna be spectacular!  First though, we gotta gather up the proper materials:

As you can see, its a fairly exhaustive number of items to remember. You might wanna scratch it onto the back of your hand with a shard of broken glass, an un-rolled paperclip, or perhaps even a pen.  You’ll get the best results if you acquire a 5 dollar bottle of gin, a lighter (preferably Bic, cause there’s no reason to waste the classics), and Carl.  If he’s recently pissed and/or ejaculated into his coveralls, you’re gonna want him to change clothes. Trust me, that sick s.o.b. needs to be DRY

Next step is: You’re gonna need to drink about 3/4s or more of the gin. During this time, berate Carl about how much of a degenerate he is, while at the same time psyching him up to become a real-life bonafide hero.  His inbred genes will fully allow for both.  Then, splash the rest of the gin onto Carl.  Quickly whip out the lighter before he has a chance to protest!

Pretty much all you have left to do is hold the lighter extremely close to Carl. Its not gonna be very comfortable to him, but we’re makin’ art by hell! Plus, with the desensitizing effects of the alcohol, you won’t be heeding his pleas anyway…

Ta-da! There you have it folks! The Human Torch in all his glory! Why you can just start callin’ this guy Johnny Storm and start linin’ up the super-models!

Geez, this guy looks more heroic each passing second! At this point in the customization process, you can just sit back and relax cause all the heavy lifting has been done.

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and call it a day. You guys are now expert sadists toy customizers!

Oh, and whatever happens, do NOT inhale the smoke billowing from this charred corpse hero to millions. It’ll kill you deader’n hell!

Next time, we’ll be making Ghost Rider. Well, a Ghost Rider that’s completely covered in flames! Keep those lighters handy…

Published in: on September 19, 2010 at 12:28 pm  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Awesome! I’m gonna go customize my house now! Well, it’s not MY house, but the owners appreciate artistry when they see it.

    • Yes sir! It can be applied to any of life’s boring creations! 🙂

  2. Ahaha, this was too damn funny. At least now we know who the new (and almost immediately deceased) Human Torch is–Carl!

    • Thanks, glad you liked it. Carl died so that you could laugh. Happy now? Are you f’n happy?! Sickos!

  3. we were actually going to do this and give the result away as a contest prize, but you beat us to the punch! so angry

    • Do it anyway! There’s never enough perfect customs like these! 🙂

    • By the way, your site is quite pimp.

      • maybe we can cook up a contest together. but i’ll want to burn something expensive that might offend some nerds.

        also, thanks!

      • If someone’s love of a figure interferes with their love of melting things…well sir, they have much bigger problems.

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