With the Power to Suck: DCUC Parasite

[ I’m still planning my glorious return to reviews on here;but,  in the meantime I present this guest-review by Dr. Nightmare.  Its all about one of the coolest DCSH figures that ever graced the line, and NOT about oral sex.  I repeat: It is NOT about oral sex.  Sorry. – Lemonjuice McGee ]

Part of the reason I was happy to see how clean and simple the DC Super Heroes figures looked is because the line seemed like the perfect chance to get some DC animated universe (DCAU) characters made (as you all know, the animated universe is the only universe that matters!). Here comes Livewire, babies! That’s what I yelled in the store before I got kicked out and my dreams were shattered months later when no Livewire was to be found.

Anyway, the characters we did get were just as cool and the toy-sculpts did justice to them for the most part. Parasite was an instant buy at five dollars on sale, despite being the monstrous Lex Luthor-humping version from the more popular mainstream comics, not the sleek sexy one from the Superman Adventures comics and cartoon show. Monsters are cool.

Parasite is wrapped in 5th Element-style bandages whose edges are carved into the succulent purple flesh rather than being sculpted on top of it. I’m not sure why, but that’s how this figure looks; juicy. It’s a combination of the round bulging muscles with the very clean animated-series design that makes it seem like you could sink your teeth into this figure like a squishy purple balloon filled with whatever tasty fluids the human body is capable of storing.

Rarely have I been as impressed with the wrinkles on a figure as I am with the ones found on this Parasite. Look at your elbow or knee or other very wrinkly body part (guys, you may want to lock the door when you do this, no need for the girlfriend to walk in on you), you see how wrinkled it is? There are lots of patches on this figure just like that! Awesome, huh? The arms are large with pronounced veins while the rest of the body is smooth… why is that? Just once I’d like to see a big fully veiny bastard. Shut up. It stands about 6.75 inches, not bad! We’re still talking about toys, right?

There are frantic gouges in the crotch, not by design, but from where a younger, more careless, DrNightmare took shots at it because hitting a dude in the junk is any dude’s weakness. Superman, stop trying to outsmart your opponents, just kick them in the nuts and get it over with so you have more time to fly home to Lois, increasing the chances of your comic book artists drawing her in a lusty sex-scene for all to enjoy. Thank you.

If you like man-eating fish, you’ll love Parasite’s shark-toothed mouth and lidless puckered yellow eyeballs. This is one guy even LJ wouldn’t want to be touched by! As you’ve no doubt read in countless other reviews of this guy, Parasite’s hunched tick-shaped body resembles a… tick. Ticks are parasites. SEE WHAT THEY DID THAR!?!?

There’s lots of careful shading on the body, but the painted white bands look oily and dirty, which may or may not be to your liking. The skin is all cast in purple, giving the figure a very uniform appearance and preventing any chance of paint-rub at the joints.

Parasite’s articulation is useful and isn’t even visible to me anymore. The head only swivels even though it feels like a ball-joint (the Brock Lesnar neck muscles hinder it). That’s the only problem, all other joints swing freely and smoothly but are tight enough to hold any pose. This figure is way more fun to pose than the rubbery peg-tearing figures we get from the DCUC line today. I guess the DCSH line was meant for rough-housing kids while the DCUC line is meant for collectors who won’t be smashing their toys into the floor. Or maybe the rubbery plastic is simply cheaper to use. You decide!

I like this figure, it’s big, it’s purple, it has neatly-trimmed fingernails, what’s not to love?

Published in: on October 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I need him! The fact that he’ll be re-released in a two-pack with Superman sucks though. I don’t need the same Supes figure for the 4th time, Mattel!

    • Obviously you DO need the Superman. Otherwise Mattel wouldn’t package him again, right? They know what they’re doing, don’t they?! Don’t you DARE question Matty’s authority! To the ovens with you! The OVENS!!!!!! 🙂

  2. You’re so right! They DO know what they’re doing. Logistically speaking, of course.


  3. I always liked the character (at least animated) but this figure didn’t really do it for me. I passed on him a bunch of times. Maybe someday.

  4. Oh it’s an awesome figure! I reviewed sometime back on Chase Variant and buy was I impressed with his poseability! He was tough to fin, though, and even then not y me–the Rangerlord picked him up in the Philippines, I think. The Philippines! That’s how far. (Or was it Malaysia…hm…) And I live in the same region of the world too. The upside was that this guy was on clearance. 😉

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