Shittin’ Splinters: Fidgetz Transformable Warrior

[ Happy New Year to all you fellow layabouts and nogoodniks!  As a kick off to 2011, I’m gonna be doing a review exclusively here on Hobotastic… yeah, on Hobotastic, so shut yer damn sarcastic trap!  Anyway, it’s a special piece of awesome that I could only do justice for here, where my adjectives can be fully unleashed upon it’s wood-carved shittery. ] – Lemonjuice McGee

Just feast your peepers on that friggin’ mess of a toy!  It made its way to me courtesy of my buddy, and Kidthulhu collaborator, Martin Brandt (creator of Dead Future & other such comics) and is, according to the tag wrapped lovingly around it’s leg, a Transformable Warrior from Fidgetz.  It scores the tagline of “hundreds of possibilities; but it is obviously a blatant falsehood.

Let’s check out this splinter-laden pile of tree corpse, shall we?

Apparently, Cracker Barrel restaurants are a hive of scum and villainy, set on unleashing horrendous toys to the poor children that are dragged, kicking and screaming through it’s family-friendly doors.  How else could you explain this monstrosity being peddled, like a herpes-laden lollipop, to the throngs of impressionable youth freshly full of mashed potatoes and country fixins?  As you all know by now, the threat of STDs holds no sway over me; so, I was thrilled upon opening the yellowed envelope which contained this particular Transformable Warrior.  Sadly, I quickly found out that he was not given a proper name by his maker.  Thus, I dubbed him: Gagotron! …it just seemed like “gag” needed to be incorporated somehow.

Gagotron is made of wood and string.  I shit you not, my friends! 15 cubes, 4 discs, 2 cuboids, and a triangular prism make up this extraordinary engineering marvel.  All of the separate pieces have been slotted like a back-alley snitch, and they’re tied together with some slightly elastic string.

His paint isn’t the most detailed work I’ve ever seen, in fact I’m not quite sure the person in charge of painting could actually see anything at all.  Perhaps they were blinded by having cigarettes put out in their eyes after initially refusing to help Satan make this toy.  Who can say for sure?  Oh right, the Devil.  Anyhoo, Gagotron has a face thanks to a strategically applied stencil.  It’s not much, but at least it’s a close proximity to the Transformer’s style that Fidgetz is trying to steal.  There was also a stencil/stamp used for the wheels… those sweet, sweet custom rims you see below.

Woo-hoo! Look at that badass ride! Oh wait, I must be livin’ in some kind of Opposite Land, cause this thing is a piece of inescapable garbage!  It’s like some ravenous dog ate a pile of building blocks and this configuration was cut from its stomach after it died of bowel blockage!  The hot rod you see is the result of transforming Gagotron.  By “transforming”, I mean slipping his blocks around all willy-nilly til you stumble upon this particular combination.  It’s easy and hard at the same time… jeez, that makes no damn sense.  Of course, not a lot about this toy does.  It’s obviously made in the simplest way possible, yet is not recommended for children under 3 years of age.  Even a toddler would pick practically any piece of plastic crap at the local Dollar Store over this thing…and yet, there is a strange attraction.  Satan, you sir are a tricky, tricky bastard.

There you have it, folks! Martin once described this as a hillbilly Transformer, but as a transient based in Kentucky… well, I think hillbillies would be ashamed to have made this, regardless of the amount of whiskey and/or meth filling their system.  Thankfully, there’s a stamp on the toy’s back claiming that it was proudly “Made in China”.  Designed in Massachusetts and manufactured in China.  Looks like Beelzebub has a summer home.


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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I can confidently say this is your best review on Hobotastic this year. Welcome back!

    • Thanks, you back-handed compliment givin’ s.o.b.!lol Happy New Year to you too!

  2. what’s sad is you could pass this off for an expensive, high-end “designer toy” if it had packaging with some abstract painting and an ironic slogan on it

    • Ha! That’s sadly very, very true.

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Martin Brandt II. Martin Brandt II said: RT @lemonjuicemcgee: @MartinBrandt This one's all thanks to you! … […]

  4. Herpes, gagging, Satan, tricks… I do so enjoy the few rare reviews you post on this site, Jason! ;D

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